Blog: Keep Not Quitting

Written on the underground Piccadilly line headed to London.

I realize this is a double negative. This is the best way I can say it: keep not quitting. Every time that I feel like life is over or too hard or this battle will surely take me out, I just remember the commitment I made a long time ago. I will never quit. We all have seen people coast, be unintentional with their lives, & choose the life with the least amount of resistance possible. Since when is this the goal? I want to live a life on fire – full of passion, compassion, & adventure. Every time I feel defeat overtaking me like a wet blanket on a fire, I do whatever I can to throw off that blanket & nurse myself back to a white hot state. Living like this isn’t easy, that’s why most people spend more time investing in the lives of the people on television than they do being intentional with their own. I’ve seen the inevitable misery that wraps a heart like a weed to a rose & kills the flame & passion in people’s hearts. You can see it in their eyes. I’ve lived entire years with that cold distant glazed-over glance. Not anymore. I caught myself. I remember when I saw a picture of myself, 5 years old, full of joy, bright red lipstick & a huge smile. When I looked at myself then, I realized how jaded I had become. Something had to change. So I worked to figure it out. I heard someone say that when cats are depressed they stop grooming. Oh man — my lipstick, high heels, bling, teeth whitening — I had thrown it all out. It had left with my sense of vibrancy.

So I decided to do whatever it took to get back that smile back along with the sparkle in my eye. There were several small victories that eventually led to my smile returning (& my red lipstick too). I remember I felt like I was in darkness but I fought for myself & eventually got a pinhole poked into my darkness & I could see the tiniest speck of light. As I looked at that light I knew it could grow & eventually I would get out of this cave & back on my feet. One victory at a time, as small as they were, eventually led to complete freedom from my torment. I forgave the people who hurt me, I made a choice to be kind as often as I could, & to love even when it meant risking getting hurt again.